Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Cold Turkey

I am going mad without my Internet.
It's only been about three days but I am finding already that I am feeling lost in the evenings, have nothing to do after dinner and eat breakfast at the table instead of in front of my computer.
I cannot wait until our adsl gets connected at the new house! Seeing as I'm currently at our old house doing a load of washing and it's not disconnected here as yet (hence the post), I feel it may be a while before I am blessed with its presence.

Anyway, life in my new area is...interesting. Let me tell you a story.

I like stories.

Yesterday Christian was doing some training after work and was going to be home at about 7pm. I had been watering the garden when I heard a band start playing in the park opposite us. I was listening as I was pottering and they sounded really good. I finished up my watering and found it was quarter to eight and I had a message on my phone from Christian saying he'd still be another half hour or so. So I thought 'Well, I might just have a mosey on over and check out the band'.
I wondered over to the park and found three young guys playing and figured they must be a young band being sponsored as part of a youth festival of some sort (there's been a few festival type things in my area lately). I sat down at the top of the amphitheatre and soon a woman came over to me, asking if she could sit next to me as she had been sitting on an ants nest. I didn't particularly mind and so said of course she could. She looks at me and says in a high pitched, over-enthusiastic voice 'Hi, I'm Sheena! How are you??? Do you live near here?' I explained we'd just moved in across the street and had heard the band and thought I'd come check it out as they sounded good. 'They're wonderful, aren't they!? I can't believe they're so good, for ones so young!'

Oh God, I thought. I bet this is a 'pageant' mother - one of those crazy obsessive mothers of children with some kind of talent. I thought I'd be stuck listening to her all night rattle on and on and on and on about how good her son was and about which instrument he played and how he'd be the next Mozart or Lennon.
I nodded politely and listened a bit more until the song came top an end. Then one of the guys starts talking. 'Yeah, thanks so much, glad you could make it tonight. That song was called Depression and if any of you suffer from depression or know anyone who does, then we're here tonight to help you find a cure.'

Oh, they must be sponsored by the Health Department, thought I.

'Depression is a scary thing, but there's one thing that can cure it. Jesus Christ'

Jesus Christ, they're religious loons! I had stumbled upon a gathering! Sheena then proceeded to inform me that they were part of a Christian community that went from park to park, spreading the word. I stayed for the next song as I didn't want to be rude and then they called upon people from the audience to give their testimonies. After hearing from an ex-narcotics dealer, who one fateful night stumbled upon the bodies of five car crash victims I figured it was my time to go. I made my apologies and hurried home, eager to be away from Sheena before she tried to convert me.

When I got home I discovered that Christian had arrived and my mother was frantic as she had rung and was told that no, Annette isn't home, yes her car is here, the house is locked but no, she hasn't left a note. According to mother, anything could have happened, I could have had an asthma attack and been rushed to hospital, I could have fallen and broken a leg, I could have been raped and pillaged, the fiery depths of hell could have swallowed me up, yadda yadda yadda. I have now discovered that even at 27, I must always inform mother of my whereabouts.

Later that night I was saying to Christian that I sometimes envy people with faith. I have no desire to join Sheena and her cohorts, but I find that people with faith seem to have a purpose in life and are always happy. Christian gave a snort of his cynical, derisive laughter and asked if I was going to try to make my way to heaven one day. I said that after what I've done in my life (and what I planned to do in Edinburgh but failed to accomplish entirely) I doubt the church would have me. I'm sure I shall burn merrily away in hell with Boo, Ro and the gang and just as sure that we'll have much more fun than all the goodie two shoes who end up in heaven giving angels blowjobs. Christian asked if he would also join me in hell and I informed him that as he doesn't believe in an afterlife, he will just dissolve into nothingness and cease to exist entirely. After all, you have to believe in hell to end up there. I ranted on a bit more about heaven and hell and sin and the afterlife and now Christian thinks I should write my own bible as it might actually entice him into attending church, and if not, it would at least be an enjoyable read.

And so I shall one day throw open the doors of The Church of Nettie and welcome thee, my fellow disciples.

5 comments:

oppiejoe said...

I'll be right there with you Nettie :)

Mouse said...

Heh, I'll join your church - it'd be so much more fun than the traditional type!

smerk said...

Heh, everyone wants to have their own religion...

thunderstruck said...

I like your story :) Shame it couldn't have just been talented youths eh?

p.s. what did you nearly do in Edinburgh? Curious...

Wolfbyte said...

There is no such thing as a youth who is just talented. There is always a hook.

They are either crazy, unsociable, maniacal, or even worse, religious. The thing to remember about a religion is that it is just your ordinary garden variety cult (which is good), but it has got so big the governments won't mess with it (which is bad).

Now I don't condone governmental policy influencing people's personal faiths, but I also don't beleive that personal faith and religion have anything to do with each other.

BTW I'm back.

Hallowed ARE the O'ri