Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Picking up the pieces

I've not been very motivated lately. I've been meaning to do a blog post for the past couple of weeks now but I just haven't gotten around to it.

Things have gotten slightly better in my head, despite a few setbacks and a shitty couple of weeks. I'm having a rather difficult time with my psych, it's very emotionally draining and it takes a long time to process after each session. Low self worth, fear of being abandoned and panicking in vulnerable situations are the main issues she's identified and she says it all stems back to the abuse I suffered as a child. The guy who abused me did so in an extremely predatory fashion - it wasn't just taking opportunities as they presented themselves but he waited until I was the most vulnerable; when there was no chance of getting free or having help come. And since it happened when I was so young and was still developing emotionally, it's completely shaped the way I feel about myself. I don't feel like I'm good enough because if I was, someone would have come and saved me. I am scared shitless of being alone because it was when I was alone that he struck. I have a stronger than normal need to have people there for me when I'm vulnerable or having a bad time; and when people aren't there for me I blame myself because I think I'm not a good enough person for people to care about.

The hardest thing is that I've spent my entire adult life trying to move on from the abuse. I realised what had happened to me when I was 17 (before then it was just a neutral memory) and since then I've tried not to blame the abuse for the path my life has taken. I don't use it as an excuse to rob people or beat people up or to take drugs. I believe that even after suffering such an event, I still have a sense of right and wrong and therefore my decisions should be based on that. And so to be told that the abuse has actually had a long term effect on me is hard to come to terms with. For so long I guess I have run away before I've dealt with these issues. In some ways I feel that my self hatred is justified. Now I have to learn to see myself as others see me and not as I've always seen myself. That's going to be a very long, hard process.

I still have a strong compulsion to cut. I hadn't cut for three weeks and then after an extremely rough day, I ended up cutting again. I had thought Christian was at the gym; that I would have an hour or two to compose myself, even hide what I had done. But he walked in the door five minutes later to find me crying in the bath, bleeding like a stuck pig. And I hated myself for making him see that. Of everyone, I never wanted him to see me like that. And so, even now, when I'm feeling slightly better and know I don't need to cut, but still want to, I've managed to hold off solely because I'm terrified of putting him through that again.

The antidepressants are no longer making me physically ill. I cut back the dose for a while but after the last incident, I upped again to the prescribed dose. I guess I must have adjusted to them because I haven't had a bad reaction since. The hard part now is staying on them. In the past when I've started to feel better, I've come off them because I hate the idea of getting dependent on the meds, but I now realise that it's partly the meds that are making me feel slightly normal again and if I stop taking them, I'll just slide back in the hole.

I had a very rough time last week when I found one of my clients in his house, unconscious, seizing and very, very sick. He passed away a few days later and I've taken it quite hard. We got along so well, he was only young and although he was terminal, things had been looking up. He'd just had surgery that was supposed to have paved the way for a transplant and things had been going smoothly. It would have been a shock enough as it was to have heard that he'd died, but to be the one who found him...I keep asking myself what I could have done differently...if I'd just gotten there sooner...

Three of my girlfriends have all had babies in the past few weeks. I am excited for all of them, I really am, but at the same time it's been quite hard for me. I guess in some way it just really makes me feel like a failure as a woman. Normally I am very strong about our decision to forgo further fertility treatments and not pursue having children but every now and then I get slightly broody and I guess I react to those hormones and I get upset. I'm sure this will pass soon but it doesn't help when every single conversation we have is about their babies. Ya know, I get it, you have a new toy, it's all very exciting to you and I do want to hear about all the cute things your new bundle of joy does and how each of their babies is different but just not all the freaking time!

Things haven't been all bad though. I've booked my trip to Canada to see my Dad in September and I'm getting awfully excited about it.
I've been socialising a bit with one of the ladies from the office and she's absolutely gorgeous. We get on so well and I'm really enjoying spending time with her. It's always so nice to make new friends :)
I caught up with one of my friends who moved to Melbourne a year or so ago and we had a really good night. I got her to read the chicken story and she laughed so hard I thought she would wet herself. Then we discussed what our mundane super powers are. Mine is the ability to see dog hair in any lighting, Christian's is sarcasm (but his super hero name is Iceman) and hers is the ability to take any situation and complicate it. I believe that all three super powers were used that night lol.

I am planning on doing another blog post about our mini trip to York soon so hopefully this melancholy/depressing/holy-crap-I-want-to-open-a-vein theme will end soon.

Thanks so much for all being wonderful and I just want to say that your thoughts and hugs have been muchly appreciated over the past few weeks :)