Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The story of the sad woman

Once upon a time there was a woman. The Sad Woman.

Although the Sad Woman would not say she had had a hard life, she had had to overcome many obstacles in her life, many of which were hard in themselves. And because of these obstacles she had been filled in the past with a great sadness that battled within her and occasionally broke through her walls and surrounded her.

It was not all hard and sad however. The Sad Woman's life was also filled with love and happiness. She met the Wonderful Husband and they fell in love. She had many friends, some of which were so close that they were closer than family. And at times, the Sad Woman was happy.

There came one day into the Sad Woman's life a Special Person, who was a wonderful friend and they shared many hobbies and did many things together. But one day, the Special Person did something that hurt the Sad Woman deeply. The Sad Woman tried very hard to be understanding as she had been in a similar situation and wanted very much to be there for them. But the Special Person was very much caught up in their own world and did not care how much they were hurting the Sad Woman.

The Sad Woman tried very hard to contain her feelings. She told the Special Person just how much they were hurting her but although the Special Person was sorry that they were hurting her, they would not detour from the path they had chosen. So she spoke with her close friends but many were far away and although they were wonderful and understanding, small comfort could be gained. She tried her best to hide her pain from the Wonderful Husband because she knew that he would worry and hurt if he knew and she did not want that.

One day, the Sad Woman was at a hardware store and as she stood in a certain aisle, she knew what she would do. Very calmly, almost as if someone else was doing it, she purchased a set of new blades, intended for a Stanley knife. She took them home and put them in a drawer and there they stayed for several days.

And then came the day of reckoning and the Special Person went down the path they had chosen. On the inside the feelings built up, the hurt, anger, betrayal and grief until they were too much to stay inside. The Sad Woman could physically feel the pain; it hurt deep inside, made her short of breath, made her feel sick.

And so she sat on her bed, and took out the blades and looked down at her pale flesh. And without hesitation she sliced at her thighs.
The blades were sharp and true and the Sad Woman was amazed at how easy it was. She cut again and again, each time as easy as the last. And the blood came and the pain and the release. The Sad Woman felt the sting of the cuts and the throbbing pain in the hours afterwards and for a little while, it made the other pain she was feeling disappear. For this was a pain that no one else had caused, except herself. The Sad Woman would not have to wait in dread to feel the next blow delivered, she would know exactly when the pain would come and how much there would be.

And so she continued. But she did not want the Wonderful Husband to know what she had done, because although it helped ease the pain, the Sad Woman was also ashamed. She knew that the Wonderful Husband would not understand and it would hurt him and that made her terribly ashamed. And so she cut herself on different parts of her body so he would not get suspicious. Her thighs, her upper arms, her forearms and her ankles. Some he noticed and she lied boldly, telling him that a dog had scratched her or a rose thorn had snagged her. Others he noticed not at all, even the cuts to her ankle that bled for days and needed butterfly clips to stop the flow.

The pain inside would not go away though, no matter how much the Sad Woman cut herself. And so one day she realised that she needed some help. She called the doctor and made an appointment for the following day so she could get some antidepressants. And when the Wonderful Husband came home, she told him what she was doing. Although he didn't know about the cutting, he had seen that the Sad Woman was sadder than usual and so he agreed it was a good idea.

But later that night as they were lying in bed, the Wonderful Husband saw the cuts on the Sad Woman's upper arm and when he asked how these ones had happened, she couldn't lie anymore. And so she broke down and told him that there had been no dog, and no rose thorn, only herself and a blade. And the Wonderful Husband was sad and confused but also understanding and non-judgmental. He told the Sad Woman that she needed more than just pills to make her better and pleaded with her to go back and see her psychologist again. And the Sad Woman didn't want to because she was so scared that she would be locked up. But the Wonderful Husband begged and she could not stand to see him hurting, like she was hurting. And so she agreed.

And now it is today and the appointment is this afternoon. And the Sad Woman is scared.