Saturday, February 21, 2009

Change of priorities

I guess a lot has happened in the past couple of months that has completely changed my priorities in life. I was on one path before but now I've had to do a bit of a U turn and head in the opposite direction.

Basically, Christian and I have been told it's almost impossible for us to conceive naturally and so our baby plans are off. The few people I've told about this have all then jumped down my throat wanting to know why we're not doing IVF and going on adoption lists and whatnot, all almost frantic that we get a child somehow.

So I guess it comes as a bit of a surprise to most people when I tell them that I'm really very fine about this outcome. I guess four years of fertility treatment gives the mistaken impression that having a child is the be all and end all of my life.

It isn't.

Out of the two of us, Christian is the one who wanted a child the most. I wasn't against the idea, but I also didn't feel that yearning need most women do. I wanted to have a baby because I knew it would make Christian happy and I would do anything to make him happy. But we've always said that if we couldn't, then we would accept that and move on. It's each other we love, and no matter how nice a child would be, our marriage isn't going to fall apart because we can't have a baby. I'm not mentally equipped to deal with IVF (setting myself up for that amount of failure is bound to leave me more mental than I already am) and so I won't go down that path. And if I'm not prepared to do that then why would I look to adopt? Let's leave that option for those couples who really want a baby.

I guess it's taken me quite a while to get to this point and to really accept that I'm fine with it. The clincher came when a girl at work announced she was pregnant and I felt so happy for her. Honestly I was over the moon. I know that deep down, if there were any vestiges of longing for a baby left in me, I would not have been that happy, there would have been some jealousy and some envy there too, no matter how small. But there wasn't.
And that settled it for me.

I've gone back on the pill, mainly to try and make that time of the month somewhat more bearable. It may be selfish but I just can't handle the sheer amount of pain and mess and agony I go through. I know that by doing this it's essentially turning my back on the slim hope that we would ever have a baby, that chance, no matter how minute, that we would actually conceive like so many other couples do when they've given up hope.
I was upset when I made the decision to go back on the pill. I was sure Christian would hate me for ever, that he would never get the chance to be a daddy and to love his own child so much more than his Dad ever did. But he has been wonderful, as usual. He wants what's best for me and I know it's hard for him to be on the receiving end of my pms and to watch me curl up into a little ball for five days declaring how much I wish I was a man. And at the end of the day, we'll still have each other and that's the most important thing to us.

And so what now? What direction will our lives take?

Hopefully lots! Without having to work around a baby or school terms, we can travel. Our immediate plans are saving for a trip to NZ but I'd also like to make return visits to the UK and also see my Dad again, maybe dropping down to the US to visit my friends there.
Also, with both of us working fulltime we'll be able to pay off the house faster than we'd hoped. Who knows, maybe when that's done I can drop down to part time and really focus on my writing? I've always dreamed of being an author but have never had the time. Maybe I will get a chance in this lifetime?

The opportunites are endless.

And I'm really happy.

Sunday, February 01, 2009

Nettie Natterings in the New Year

Ok, so I know it's already February and I haven't done a post as yet. I also know that I've been extremely lacking in my mod duties over at MoH and even worse at getting onto the forums to chat with you lot. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I've been...busy. Kind of.

I guess the only excuse I have is I'm going through one of those points in life where sitting all night in front of the computer seems like a poor way to be spending my time when I have so much else on. It happens, I'm the first to admit it but please know that it's not out of a lack of love for my mates online, it's just sometimes priorities change. I shall endeavour to make sure that even if my time on the forum doesn't increase much, my blog posts do.

Is that a good enough explanation to stop me from getting lynched? I surely hope so...;-)

Ok, so what's been happening in the life of Nettie?
Hmmm, I must say that the start to the year has been great. I'm in a very, very happy place at the moment. It's been a good long while since I've felt this happy and I'm very much liking it.
Christmas was hectic as usual for our family. I spoiled everyone rotten which is how I like it. We spent most of the day with family and it was good to catch up with the extended rellies since it makes me remember why I avoid them for the rest of the year lol. Kidding. Sort of. Only about most of them - there's a few I can stand.

I was given Twilight for Christmas and so on Boxing Day I took advantage of the city being open to go and buy the next two books (yes, it is a novelty that any of our shops are open on Boxing Day). I got home mid afternoon and proceeded to spend a solid eleven hours devouring Twilight and New Moon. The following day I read Eclipse and then went and saw the movie before begging Christian to call in at a late night book store when he was out at Minimal Exposure that night to buy me Breaking Dawn. I read that on the Sunday.
I'm sure you can guess that I kind of liked the series :) I must say I had a hard time trying not to point out all the similarities between this series and the Sookie Stackhouse novels but at the end of the day I love both series so I can live with them.

New Year was spent at Jo and Myles' place and I had heaps of fun. Christian was going to drink but then had the work phone so he had a couple but couldn't get blind drunk with me. So that was left up to Myles and me. Myles is a very fun person to get drunk with, even though he isn't a people person as such we get on quite well but it really broke the ice between us I guess. Up until then I think he just saw me as his wife's friend but after that night we can be called friends in our own right. I like making friends :)

So New Years Day I spent mainly in bed. I wasn't actually hung over but I didn't get to bed until half four since I was being introduced to Little Britain and then I was up and about at eight. Needless to say by the time I got home I was exhausted.

Not much else has happened since then but somehow I'm keeping busy. Work has been ok apart from one disastrous week I spent as Team Leader. It really reminded me why I got out of management in the first place. I'm hoping for a bit of a change around in the roles since I'm doing training at the moment and I'd really like to go back into BEDS but we'll have to wait and see if that will happen or not.

I'm back to playing squash, trying to go to the gym but keep getting sick so that's not been very regular (although hopefully this week it will get back on track) and apart from that just busy with friends and my family.

It's a pretty boring update I suppose but it's an update nonetheless. Hope you guys are all well, I do miss you all and as I said I shall try and keep the updates coming.