I guess a lot has happened in the past couple of months that has completely changed my priorities in life. I was on one path before but now I've had to do a bit of a U turn and head in the opposite direction.
Basically, Christian and I have been told it's almost impossible for us to conceive naturally and so our baby plans are off. The few people I've told about this have all then jumped down my throat wanting to know why we're not doing IVF and going on adoption lists and whatnot, all almost frantic that we get a child somehow.
So I guess it comes as a bit of a surprise to most people when I tell them that I'm really very fine about this outcome. I guess four years of fertility treatment gives the mistaken impression that having a child is the be all and end all of my life.
Out of the two of us, Christian is the one who wanted a child the most. I wasn't against the idea, but I also didn't feel that yearning need most women do. I wanted to have a baby because I knew it would make Christian happy and I would do anything to make him happy. But we've always said that if we couldn't, then we would accept that and move on. It's each other we love, and no matter how nice a child would be, our marriage isn't going to fall apart because we can't have a baby. I'm not mentally equipped to deal with IVF (setting myself up for that amount of failure is bound to leave me more mental than I already am) and so I won't go down that path. And if I'm not prepared to do that then why would I look to adopt? Let's leave that option for those couples who really want a baby.
I guess it's taken me quite a while to get to this point and to really accept that I'm fine with it. The clincher came when a girl at work announced she was pregnant and I felt so happy for her. Honestly I was over the moon. I know that deep down, if there were any vestiges of longing for a baby left in me, I would not have been that happy, there would have been some jealousy and some envy there too, no matter how small. But there wasn't.
And that settled it for me.
I've gone back on the pill, mainly to try and make that time of the month somewhat more bearable. It may be selfish but I just can't handle the sheer amount of pain and mess and agony I go through. I know that by doing this it's essentially turning my back on the slim hope that we would ever have a baby, that chance, no matter how minute, that we would actually conceive like so many other couples do when they've given up hope.
I was upset when I made the decision to go back on the pill. I was sure Christian would hate me for ever, that he would never get the chance to be a daddy and to love his own child so much more than his Dad ever did. But he has been wonderful, as usual. He wants what's best for me and I know it's hard for him to be on the receiving end of my pms and to watch me curl up into a little ball for five days declaring how much I wish I was a man. And at the end of the day, we'll still have each other and that's the most important thing to us.
And so what now? What direction will our lives take?
Hopefully lots! Without having to work around a baby or school terms, we can travel. Our immediate plans are saving for a trip to NZ but I'd also like to make return visits to the UK and also see my Dad again, maybe dropping down to the US to visit my friends there.
Also, with both of us working fulltime we'll be able to pay off the house faster than we'd hoped. Who knows, maybe when that's done I can drop down to part time and really focus on my writing? I've always dreamed of being an author but have never had the time. Maybe I will get a chance in this lifetime?
The opportunites are endless.
And I'm really happy.