Friday, August 14, 2009

Confessions of a Nettie

Some of you know the reason as to why I've been an almost complete internet hermit this year. Some of you don't. Some of you will still be my friends after you've heard, some of you won't. Some of you will think I deserve everything that was threatened, some of you won't.
Contrary to how my story will make me appear, I am at heart an honest person. After 'the big reveal' there have been very few people I've kept this from. I'm good at keeping other people's secrets but when it comes to my own, I'm pretty much an open book. I've made a huge mistake, took a road that I never thought I'd have taken, but you know what? I'm human and at the end of the day, I'm still me.

I'll just explain, shall I?

I had an affair.
Everyone inevitably asks 'why'. Well, that is a very hard question to answer. The people I've spoken to who have been in my situation (including my mother in law) all agree that it just happens. Honestly, I didn't go out and plan to cheat on my wonderful husband as my aim for the day. It wasn't on a list of 'Things to do before I die'. It wasn't one of my New Years resolutions. It just happened.
To sum it up, it pretty much started on New Years Eve, went on for four months. During that time I was ridiculously happy. I had two wonderful men who loved me - daggy, nerdy, ugly Annie. For someone who has no self esteem and no self confidence, it was a real boost.
But even though I was happy, I also was awfully guilty. For obvious reasons. Christian was my first everything, and above all that he's also my best friend. That was a big betrayal. I know that. God knows I know that. Everyone has pointed that out to me, numerous times but I was the first to know it.
Also I worked with his wife. We socialised. She wasn't the best of friends, was only there when it was convenient, lied and bitched but for someone like me who has the bad habit of choosing people who are the worst friends, she was still my friend. And even after all that has happened now and the fact that I despise her more than I have ever despised anyone, I know that what I did was wrong. I am the first person to admit that. The fact that she was a bad friend does not excuse what I did.

The 'big reveal' came about on Mother's Day. Christian and I had spent a wonderful day with our mums and had come home in the arvo. I was really upset about everything that had been happening, I hated the fact that I had been the worst wife in the world. I hated lying to him. So I broke down and broke his heart. I told him everything.
Obviously he was upset. But as Margaret (my mother in law) said to me, Christian is the most non-judgemental person on this planet. Without fail. He was wonderful. Yes, he was hurt. But he was more worried about me.
In hindsight, I can see why. I was a wreck. I didn't want to live. I had hurt the two people in this world who mattered most to me. Because in telling Christian I also broke someone else's heart. I knew that this world would be much better off without me and so I planned how I was going to exit it. The only thing that stopped me was two men forcing me to promise that I wouldn't do anything to hurt them further.
After all I had done, how could I break that promise?
And that's the only reason I'm still here.

The wife was told the next day and obviously she went ballistic. She told me if I ever walked into work again she would kill me. My boss offered me a transfer but the wife threatened to make my life a living hell if I stayed at the bank instead of resigning. So I quit.
I still got nasty txt messages and calls from her. And other people I'd worked with. I didn't respond to any of them. I know it might seem callous but I was dealing with my own issues.

Two months late, past midnight Christian and I were woken up by a txt message on my phone. It came from one of the other ladies I used to work with. It read 'You are the biggest whore ever u fucking slut'.
I figured that the wife and this lady were out together, probably drunk, and I ignored it. Then ten minutes later this one came through 'Hello fucker! You're a dirty slag who can't get your kicks out of your own marriage so you go and fuck up somebody eles's. You have depression and you deserve it you fucking fat ugly slut. I hope you suffer in your own self pity you fucking sex freak pig dog. You better take care of your frangipanis! Poison is my favourite word - you better believe it slag! Take care xx'

Now, I'd kind of had enough by this point. Sure, I had fucked up, I know what I did was wrong but when you threaten to bring poison to my home where I have dogs and nieces and nephews who play in my garden, I wasn't going to take that lying down.
So I went to the courts the next morning and applied for restraining orders against both of these women.
My pysch was estactic. I was finally standing up for myself. As she said, what I'd done was morally wrong, but I hadn't broken any laws. But they had. If they had just insulted me, I would have probably just taken it, but in a round about way they were threatening my pets and the kids I love most in this world. My older sister still isn't really talking to me since this. She doesn't understand why I applied for the orders, even though she won't let Darce come and see me here anymore for fear of the wife coming round while Darce is here. She thinks I deserve everything I got. A lot of people do. The amount of friends I've lost through this has really reminded me that people rarely are real friends.

Of course I have discovered those few people who have been unquestionably loyal to me and don't think our friendship is so easily thrown away over events that didn't involve them. Mouse I knew all along would be my most supportive friend. And she was. My friends here, Mike and Mel have been wonderful. My mother in law has been a rock as has my cousin Ian. As for my other friends and family, a lot of them have been great, but the undercurrents of disapproval are so strong. There has been so much anger.

Anyway, we went to the initial court date, they ended up signing Written Undertakings so they could avoid a costly court battle and now they have to leave me alone for a year.

And my life is finally settling down a bit.

I know inevitably I will get spammy-type comments from random strangers on here calling me a slut and a whore. Save your breath. I've heard it all before. Besides, unless you're a complete angel who has never made a single mistake, you'll just prove a hypocite. I'm not seeking absolution from this blog post. I don't think anyone has the right to offer or withold that. All this is was an explanation as to why I haven't been around this year.