Wednesday, May 18, 2011

The story of the sad woman

Once upon a time there was a woman. The Sad Woman.

Although the Sad Woman would not say she had had a hard life, she had had to overcome many obstacles in her life, many of which were hard in themselves. And because of these obstacles she had been filled in the past with a great sadness that battled within her and occasionally broke through her walls and surrounded her.

It was not all hard and sad however. The Sad Woman's life was also filled with love and happiness. She met the Wonderful Husband and they fell in love. She had many friends, some of which were so close that they were closer than family. And at times, the Sad Woman was happy.

There came one day into the Sad Woman's life a Special Person, who was a wonderful friend and they shared many hobbies and did many things together. But one day, the Special Person did something that hurt the Sad Woman deeply. The Sad Woman tried very hard to be understanding as she had been in a similar situation and wanted very much to be there for them. But the Special Person was very much caught up in their own world and did not care how much they were hurting the Sad Woman.

The Sad Woman tried very hard to contain her feelings. She told the Special Person just how much they were hurting her but although the Special Person was sorry that they were hurting her, they would not detour from the path they had chosen. So she spoke with her close friends but many were far away and although they were wonderful and understanding, small comfort could be gained. She tried her best to hide her pain from the Wonderful Husband because she knew that he would worry and hurt if he knew and she did not want that.

One day, the Sad Woman was at a hardware store and as she stood in a certain aisle, she knew what she would do. Very calmly, almost as if someone else was doing it, she purchased a set of new blades, intended for a Stanley knife. She took them home and put them in a drawer and there they stayed for several days.

And then came the day of reckoning and the Special Person went down the path they had chosen. On the inside the feelings built up, the hurt, anger, betrayal and grief until they were too much to stay inside. The Sad Woman could physically feel the pain; it hurt deep inside, made her short of breath, made her feel sick.

And so she sat on her bed, and took out the blades and looked down at her pale flesh. And without hesitation she sliced at her thighs.
The blades were sharp and true and the Sad Woman was amazed at how easy it was. She cut again and again, each time as easy as the last. And the blood came and the pain and the release. The Sad Woman felt the sting of the cuts and the throbbing pain in the hours afterwards and for a little while, it made the other pain she was feeling disappear. For this was a pain that no one else had caused, except herself. The Sad Woman would not have to wait in dread to feel the next blow delivered, she would know exactly when the pain would come and how much there would be.

And so she continued. But she did not want the Wonderful Husband to know what she had done, because although it helped ease the pain, the Sad Woman was also ashamed. She knew that the Wonderful Husband would not understand and it would hurt him and that made her terribly ashamed. And so she cut herself on different parts of her body so he would not get suspicious. Her thighs, her upper arms, her forearms and her ankles. Some he noticed and she lied boldly, telling him that a dog had scratched her or a rose thorn had snagged her. Others he noticed not at all, even the cuts to her ankle that bled for days and needed butterfly clips to stop the flow.

The pain inside would not go away though, no matter how much the Sad Woman cut herself. And so one day she realised that she needed some help. She called the doctor and made an appointment for the following day so she could get some antidepressants. And when the Wonderful Husband came home, she told him what she was doing. Although he didn't know about the cutting, he had seen that the Sad Woman was sadder than usual and so he agreed it was a good idea.

But later that night as they were lying in bed, the Wonderful Husband saw the cuts on the Sad Woman's upper arm and when he asked how these ones had happened, she couldn't lie anymore. And so she broke down and told him that there had been no dog, and no rose thorn, only herself and a blade. And the Wonderful Husband was sad and confused but also understanding and non-judgmental. He told the Sad Woman that she needed more than just pills to make her better and pleaded with her to go back and see her psychologist again. And the Sad Woman didn't want to because she was so scared that she would be locked up. But the Wonderful Husband begged and she could not stand to see him hurting, like she was hurting. And so she agreed.

And now it is today and the appointment is this afternoon. And the Sad Woman is scared.


Mouse said...

Oh, sweetie...

I know how the cutting can help make things feel better, but it's not a good way to do it. I think the Sad Woman should try not to be scared of going to the psychologist and hold on to the chnce that they can help.


Jodie said...

My heart goes out to both the Sad Woman and the Wonderful Husband. and I wish to send much love and hugs their way....

Shawna said...

Oh, sweetheart. My heart hurts so much for the Sad Woman. *bighugs* I hope she can get the help she needs, and that she knows she can talk to me if she needs to.

DavePrime said...

I truly understand, Luv. Sometimes the pain is so great that it seems we must open a hole for it to escape. But it doesn't really. It just gets worse. And a secret.

Wonderful Husband is right. As scary/embarrassing/terrfying as it may be, going back to the doctor for some help is best. They can find a way to REALLY let the anger/shame/pain/sadness out.

And, hopefully, they will also be able to let a little bit of the warm sunshine and love that surrounds you in...


MadCarlotta said...

Don't be scared sweetie. You are very loved.

Tah said...

I hope everything went well. I am sad for the Sad Woman and hope she can find the help and compassion she needs. Both for her sake and Wonderful Husband's sake.

Anonymous said...

Honey, im glad to hear u are getting help. It is the brave thing to do and to be scared is normal too. Anyone causing u this much pain does not deserve u!!

Tash R

LaMa said...

Don't be scared, it will be alright. I think the Wonderful Husband gave a very good piece of advice and is a Wonderful Hubby indeed for the way he took things. And you know: they don't lock you up that quickly. Instead, I think talking to a psychologist can be of great help.
Please take care of yourself, you are too wonderful.

* big hug *

Smerk said...

[i]*adds a few more hugs to the pile*[/i]

I hope that the meeting with the physcologist went well.

And the Sad Woman should remember she has plenty of wonderful friends (and some of them aren't [i]that[/i] far away ;-) )

And having had a friend who spent several years in and out of various psych wards (and most of it voluntarily), they don't go round locking you up willy-nilly.

Hieronymous Anonymous said...


The Wonderful Husband is wise. And the Sad Woman is also a Strong Woman and a Loving Woman and a Clever Woman. And none of those traits mean that she can't seek help when she needs it, as everyone does at some time.

We send all our love and hopes to you guys. You can get through this, darling.

Oppiejoe said...

Nettie... you know I have been in the same depths that you find yourself and I am still around to offer you comfort and support in my own way... with love and deep concern for YOU because it makes me sad to think of a world without my friend half a world away and knowing that she is in pain that these words can do so very little to fix, but KNOWING that by saying them to you that in some small way it will get inside that head of your with all the other junk and perhaps take root like HER words did with me in my depths of despair.

I hope your psych has some constructive and helpful advice and suggestions to assist you. My personal experience is that most of the mental health professionals I went to were in business for their enrichment financially rather than to help me out and I did not recognize this completely at the time.. so caveat emptor: if you feel like you are not getting the relief and assistance you need from this person don't feel like you are wrong to seek someone who you are more comfortable with or feel is giving you good advice or constructive solutions to work through this circumstance that you find yourself dealing with. I am confident that you have a very good support system (family, friends, husband, etc) to help you get through this and on into a better place in your life.

I really truly do love you Nettie... and wish I could give you a real live honest-to-goodness snugglehug... but the electronic on will have to suffice for now *snugglehugs*

You are a very Special Person to me and I hope you find your "new normal" that does not include daily pain or agony over something you do not have much control over, is essentially a past that will never be what you thought it would turn out to be, and a present that does not include this Special Person... I am deeply sorry that you are suffering through this pain especially given that I am intimately familiar with it myself. You are very fortunate to have a caring husband who will give you comfort and support through this trying time.

Nettie said...

Thanks so much for all your support guys, I really appreciate it.
I've started on my new meds and they are already giving me some nasty side effects (nausea and shaking) but according to the pharmacist, these will hopefully pass in a few weeks. Then hopefully I'll start feeling a bit better.
I've also got an appointment to see my old psychologist on Wednesday of next week.

Acci said...

Right, now this program is letting me leave comments. . .

I,too, have some experience with going through hard times and sad times, but I can't really say that I really understand the whole motivation behind cutting like that. So I don't really feel that I can say much about it, since I don't really know what's going on.

But I do know that the only real option in life is to carry on through it and do what you can to make things better. I also know that you are a strong and smart woman, and so if anybody can manage to do well by herself, you can. And another thing I know is that you are a much loved woman, and that you have many people who are more than happy to help you whenever you feel that you yourself are not strong enough. I don't think that any of your friends who I know would ever think that you asking them for support would be an imposition.