I was going to wait and do a post after our fertility appointment later on today to let you guys know how that all went (after two and a half years of hearing about our baby making efforts I think you all deserve to be kept in the loop!) but I need to yak bout some other stuff so I'll maybe do another post later on.
Anyways, so the weekend has officially finished and to tell the truth it was just all over the place. I feel physically and mentally exhausted from it and need another weekend to recover from it!
It started off with Tiho's birthday on Saturday. I kept on waking up through the night on Friday with atrocious allergies so about 3am I got up, took some antihistamines and turned off my alarm before going back to sleep. I usually get up about half six on a Saturday morning so I can head to the gym but I actually slept in till half eight and skipped the gym this weekend.
Biggest mistake ever!
I was just so out of whack, I was running late and just couldn't get organised. I had to get to the shops to pick up some stuff for a picnic lunch with Tiho and also drop my camera off to Barb for a wedding and then be home in time for quarter to 11 to get to Joondalup in time for the party. I got stuck in roadworks on the way home and rang Christian at about 11 to let him know I'd be late, all the while trying to stave off a panic attack. I hate the fact that I can't calm down and accept the fact I'll be ten minutes late and the world won't end but I can't help it. To make it worse, we were giving Mike a lift and he's always late, I knew that so I really didn't need to hurry but still I couldn't calm down.
So, enough about my OCD. Tiho was having a barbie at a park in Joondalup and then going to a laser tag place, Darklite (I think it's called anyway). The weather was supposed to be shit but it actually cleared up a bit and apart from being a bit cold and a few drops of rain, it turned out to be a nice day. We played a bit of cricket and some of the guys kicked the soccer ball around, and it was just generally a nice day. Then we headed over to Darklite and had a heap of fun. We played two 20 minute games, the first just a free for all and then the second we were in four teams. There was this little girl who just kicked everyone's arses in both games, ranked number 1, rather gleeful of the fact and all of about 12 years old!
I don't usually play these type of things as I'm crap at them but I'm really glad I did, it was lots of fun. Just don't tell Christian I said that as I'll never live it down!
That night we were supposed to go out to a CD launch for some of Tiho's friends but that never happened. We'd come home to have a nap but I woke up at almost midnight to find that Christian didn't really want to go and had thought I needed the sleep so he didn't wake me up.
I wasn't actually too happy about that. Firstly I had been planning on doing something this weekend for a while as it's really my last chance to go out and have a few drinks before the fertility appointment. Secondly, if I had known he didn't want to go out, I wouldn't have gone to bed at 5pm. My body clock was all over the place as it was and this just made it worse. I pottered about for maybe an hour and then went back to bed, only to be awake at 5am on the Sunday.
So Sunday morning found me up at my Mum's house. Jo and Darce have moved back in with her (yay, the hills are much closer than Rockingham!) and Barb's kids had stayed the night because of the wedding so it was nice to catch up with them.
Everything else was kind of normal after that until we got to soccer. I have no idea what was wrong with me, but I was sitting there, just feeling a bit down, not chirpy like I usually am and Mike subbed off and was chatting to me. He asked me what was wrong and I almost burst into tears right then. Completely out of the blue.
Kat was playing too and she had also subbed off and came up to me and gave me a hug and that just sent me over the edge so I did burst into tears. I ended up going out and sitting in the car so I wouldn't make a scene for Christian. Kat came too and she asked what was wrong and it was so completely frustrating that I couldn't explain what was wrong.
Doesn't it suck to be a woman at times!
I was upset, I knew I was upset but I just couldn't put my finger on what was wrong. Maybe it's just everything all building up or something. Work's been a bit crazy, I've been completely confused about some other stuff, we've finally got this damn appointment to go to, I was tired and I've also being having some issues dealing with Christian's complete lack of emotion.
That's probably the biggest thing actually.
Barb calls Christian The Iceman and I've always made a bit of a joke about it, he may not show much emotion in front of other people but he hasn't always been like that with me. For the past couple of years though it's being slowly getting worse, maybe it's that comfort zone that guys get into, I dunno, but lately I've been getting the feeling that he just doesn't really give a crap.
He did come out to see what was wrong and I tried to explain all of this to him (a bit hard to do when you can't find the words but I gave it my best shot). I eventually just burst out that I just don't feel like I really have any self worth and that I don't actually serve a purpose in this world.
A little bit morbid coming from me, I must admit.
Christian finally managed to reassure me that he needs me and that I have lots of friends that would miss me terribly if I was to just go away somewhere and never come back and I did start to feel slightly better.
We ended up going out that night with Mike and Kat and Sexy Mike to play some pool. I had a few drinks and actually cheered up quite a lot. It was probably just what I needed, a night out with my mates and to just have a laugh. I even got back a bit into my old flirty mode which always makes you feel good. Well, it does for me anyway.
So I've gotten up today, went to the gym, I've had my blog therapy and I'm ready to face the day. I'm sure our appointment will go well and hopefully my bout of the blues will just be a once off.
I'll keep you posted.