I apologise in advance for the self pitying post.
I jumped on the scales the other day and to my dismay, found I was the heaviest I've ever been. Not exactly the most promising start to any day.
I thought about it and realised that even though I've been pretty good with the exercise bit of it (I do try and get to the gym three or four times a week and try to walk the dogs just as often) I think I fall down when it comes to what I eat.
And it's probably not really what I eat but how much I eat.
The old portion size war.
On the same day a friend of the family pointedly told me that people who are as overweight as I rarely conceive and that it shouldn't come as any surprise to me that I hadn't fallen pregnant as yet.
I got very low after that. Low enough to start falling back into my old habits and I didn't eat anything for a day and a half.
I managed to pull myself back together again as anorexia made me skinny for a couple of years and I've pretty much been this size since a year after I started eating again. I know it's not a healthy attitude to have, and I forgive myself the little lapse as this woman was quite nasty about it, but I knew it was time to make a battle plan.
I've been involved with a few strategists in the past - fad dieting, weight watchers, and I knew it was time to try something different. My sister put me onto an Australian site called Calorie King which is like an online diary that first works out your BMI (Oh God, not pretty!!!) and then tells you how many calories to consume in a day and how much exercise to do and then you can keep track of it.
It's only early days yet but hopefully it'll go as planned.
The hardest bit is finding the support I need. My sisters yo-yo back and forth when they're dieting and I often find it's when I'm with them that I afll flat on my face and give in to those Tim Tams.
My Mum is like the Will Power Queen and although she tries, she sometimes makes it sound like she's criticising.
Then there's Christian.
6"2 and about 15 kgs underweight, Christian has never had to lose weight in his life and really has no idea how hard it can be. I mean he does try and be supportive (he stopped me from making a screen saver out of an unflattering photo of myself and the caption Time to lose some weight lardass or you'll never have kids) but I sometimes find him to be a little derogatory. Not that he means to be obviously, but if we go for a walk he complains because he prefers to run, I crave a coke zero (the bastards have made it addictive) and he says he can't see why I could drink that crap, I'll measure out my food religiously and he piles his plate as high as he can and says he doesn't see how eating two cups of salad instead of one would matter (well it does if your counting calories!).
Anyway, we'll see how it goes. Hopefully I'll actually stick to it this time instead of going AWOL like I usually do.