Saturday, May 17, 2008

The thing I didn't tell you about

Okie, one thing that I didn't actually mention about our last Concept appointment is that I've been referred to the Clincal Psychologist at King Eddie.

When we were talking to the doctor about my weight I was explaining how I'd come to a standstill with my weight loss because work was shit and I was feeling stressed and all I wanted to do was head home and not go to the gym. Well that led on to more questions and in the end it all came out - my anxiety attack, the fact I've resigned at work, feeling stressed, panicking about being late all the time, feeling really down about not being able to have kids, worrying about the future, stressing because I've had to take so much time off work for blood tests etc etc.
She asked if I had always been a worrier and I told her that yes, ever since I was little I always worried about everything and turned into a right little stresshead. She suggested that she'd give me a referral to the Psychologist to help me work through my worries and thought that it would be helpful for me in everyday life as well as well as with the whole baby making process.

At this point she left the room to go and catch the dietician before she left and I burst into tears. I sobbed to Christian that it was all my fault that we hadn't had kids yet and if I wasn't such a big fat lazy slob we'd already be parents. Christian tried to calm me down all the while telling me that thoughts like this didn't help my worry levels. The doctor walks back into the room, takes one look at me and goes 'So yeah, I'm definitely going to give you that referral.'

I was really worried about telling my mum this news because Mum can be a little funny when it comes to stuff like this. Mum is a PCA (Patient Care Assistant) at the local mental health unit and she sees the end scenarios of people with a few mental issues. I don't think she has had a lot of experience with the events leading up to being institutionalised and so if you mention that you're seeing a psychologist she worries that the next day she'll be serving me lunch on the secure side.
Mum's reaction was just like I'd expected. 'Oh God, oh that's not good, oh, you know how I feel about shrinks'.
Me - 'Mum, I'm talking to a psychologist, not a psychiatrist, there's a difference.'
Mum - 'I know that!
Me - 'Then what is the problem with me trying to get some help for my obvious issues?'
Mum ' All I'm saying is you be careful what you say! You don't want to go down that road with pills and stuff.'
Me - 'For crying out loud woman, I'm just talking to someone!'

Aaaah, it's impossible!

Anyway, so my referral came in the mail the other day and asked me to make an appointment. I think I will do so but I don't know how much it's going to cost and with me now not earning a full income I may not be able to go to many sessions. Hopefully in the ones I do go to I'll learn how to deal with my stress levels a bit better than I am now and keep my panic under control.

So what do I have to lose? I guess the worst that can happen is them not being successful and I'll lay awake at night worrying about it. Neyh, nothing new!


Mouse said...

I really think you should go - I hate to think of you feeling that bad.

Shawna said...

Definitely you should go and talk to someone. It will help to get another take on things, and some new coping mechanisms.
And you are NOT a fat lazy slob, and it is NOT all your fault that you two haven't had kids yet. It will happen when it happens.

Rebecca said...

You're not only a worrier, but you're plagued with unnecessary guilt as well. The two actually seem to go hand in hand unfortunately... I'm assuming hormones are being clocked in those blood tests too.... because if they're not then SHAME on your doctor!

You'd be surprised, if you could just be a fly on the wall observing all ths, to discover that most if not all of this is NOT your fault!


Hieronymous Anonymous said...

It isn't your fault, and you know that really.
I agree with the others - go and talk to the psychologist. They will be able to talk you through the issues and, as Shawna says, give you coping mechanisms.

*bighugs again*
And Matt sends *cuddlemonster hugs* too.

MadCarlotta said...

Oh Nettie!

It sounds like your mum will be coming up in those sessions ;)

Don't listen to the naysayers, talking to someone about your problems is a positive thing. You aren't crazy, you just need some guidance sorting through your life stress, what's the big deal?

*big hugs*

PS, if you think you are a fat lazy slob, I should set up my webcam over here.... ;)

LaMa said...

I join the chorus. Talking to a professional can be very beneficial. It's a pitty it still has such a stigma involved.

Do remember though that it is not they who solve things, it is you (but, you are clever enough to already know that). They can hand you some clever instruments to that purpose though.

Getting pregnant is important to you, plus you might also benefit of councelling in other aspects of your life. Try it out: the worst that can happen is that it does nothing for you. But I think it will do.