Picking up the pieces

I've not been very motivated lately. I've been meaning to do a blog post for the past couple of weeks now but I just haven't gotten around to it.

Things have gotten slightly better in my head, despite a few setbacks and a shitty couple of weeks. I'm having a rather difficult time with my psych, it's very emotionally draining and it takes a long time to process after each session. Low self worth, fear of being abandoned and panicking in vulnerable situations are the main issues she's identified and she says it all stems back to the abuse I suffered as a child. The guy who abused me did so in an extremely predatory fashion - it wasn't just taking opportunities as they presented themselves but he waited until I was the most vulnerable; when there was no chance of getting free or having help come. And since it happened when I was so young and was still developing emotionally, it's completely shaped the way I feel about myself. I don't feel like I'm good enough because if I was, someone would have come and saved me. I am scared shitless of being alone because it was when I was alone that he struck. I have a stronger than normal need to have people there for me when I'm vulnerable or having a bad time; and when people aren't there for me I blame myself because I think I'm not a good enough person for people to care about.

The hardest thing is that I've spent my entire adult life trying to move on from the abuse. I realised what had happened to me when I was 17 (before then it was just a neutral memory) and since then I've tried not to blame the abuse for the path my life has taken. I don't use it as an excuse to rob people or beat people up or to take drugs. I believe that even after suffering such an event, I still have a sense of right and wrong and therefore my decisions should be based on that. And so to be told that the abuse has actually had a long term effect on me is hard to come to terms with. For so long I guess I have run away before I've dealt with these issues. In some ways I feel that my self hatred is justified. Now I have to learn to see myself as others see me and not as I've always seen myself. That's going to be a very long, hard process.

I still have a strong compulsion to cut. I hadn't cut for three weeks and then after an extremely rough day, I ended up cutting again. I had thought Christian was at the gym; that I would have an hour or two to compose myself, even hide what I had done. But he walked in the door five minutes later to find me crying in the bath, bleeding like a stuck pig. And I hated myself for making him see that. Of everyone, I never wanted him to see me like that. And so, even now, when I'm feeling slightly better and know I don't need to cut, but still want to, I've managed to hold off solely because I'm terrified of putting him through that again.

The antidepressants are no longer making me physically ill. I cut back the dose for a while but after the last incident, I upped again to the prescribed dose. I guess I must have adjusted to them because I haven't had a bad reaction since. The hard part now is staying on them. In the past when I've started to feel better, I've come off them because I hate the idea of getting dependent on the meds, but I now realise that it's partly the meds that are making me feel slightly normal again and if I stop taking them, I'll just slide back in the hole.

I had a very rough time last week when I found one of my clients in his house, unconscious, seizing and very, very sick. He passed away a few days later and I've taken it quite hard. We got along so well, he was only young and although he was terminal, things had been looking up. He'd just had surgery that was supposed to have paved the way for a transplant and things had been going smoothly. It would have been a shock enough as it was to have heard that he'd died, but to be the one who found him...I keep asking myself what I could have done differently...if I'd just gotten there sooner...

Three of my girlfriends have all had babies in the past few weeks. I am excited for all of them, I really am, but at the same time it's been quite hard for me. I guess in some way it just really makes me feel like a failure as a woman. Normally I am very strong about our decision to forgo further fertility treatments and not pursue having children but every now and then I get slightly broody and I guess I react to those hormones and I get upset. I'm sure this will pass soon but it doesn't help when every single conversation we have is about their babies. Ya know, I get it, you have a new toy, it's all very exciting to you and I do want to hear about all the cute things your new bundle of joy does and how each of their babies is different but just not all the freaking time!

Things haven't been all bad though. I've booked my trip to Canada to see my Dad in September and I'm getting awfully excited about it.
I've been socialising a bit with one of the ladies from the office and she's absolutely gorgeous. We get on so well and I'm really enjoying spending time with her. It's always so nice to make new friends :)
I caught up with one of my friends who moved to Melbourne a year or so ago and we had a really good night. I got her to read the chicken story and she laughed so hard I thought she would wet herself. Then we discussed what our mundane super powers are. Mine is the ability to see dog hair in any lighting, Christian's is sarcasm (but his super hero name is Iceman) and hers is the ability to take any situation and complicate it. I believe that all three super powers were used that night lol.

I am planning on doing another blog post about our mini trip to York soon so hopefully this melancholy/depressing/holy-crap-I-want-to-open-a-vein theme will end soon.

Thanks so much for all being wonderful and I just want to say that your thoughts and hugs have been muchly appreciated over the past few weeks :)

Spring has sprung!

Spring is in the air and so are the bloody allergens! Gah, I don't think my allergies have been this bad since before my desensitisation injections. My poor little Molly is suffering too - she keeps biting her feet, rubbing her nose on everything she can and dragging her arse along the ground. Hopefully our meds will kick in and ease the suffering somewhat.

Before I really get into the swing of things I promised Boo that I would shout out a big hello to her friend David, whom I've never met but apparently keeps asking after me. So hello David! Not sure why you find me so interesting but hello nonetheless :)

This weekend was chocked full of busyness, I don't think I've stopped! On Friday night I took Molly to the vet, had dinner at my sister's place and then found myself home alone as Christian was out at a mate's place. I ended up going to the gym and then when I got back decided my fringe was a bit too long and my hair was a bit too brown. So out came the scissors and hair dye, I hacked off the fringe and have retured to my normal blue/black :D
And since everyone has been nagging for photos, here's a couple.


Both my sisters have recently started a weight loss campaign and as usual I jumped on the bandwagon. But then found that I was stressing and feeling shit about myself simply because I get obsessed with my weight when I'm dieting. Boo gave me this link which is a blog by a lady whom embraces herself for herself and believes in being healthy at any size. It really got me thinking and I decided that instead of hating myself, why don't I give up trying to lose weight, accept myself for who I am and make choices that are healthier than the ones I have previously made. That way, if I have a piece of cake one night I won't beat myself up because I've made five other choices that day that were healthier than I normally would have made.
Does that make sense?
Anyway, I guess what I find most difficult is accepting that there are people out there who find me attractive, since I just don't see it. But obviously there are people out there - otherwise I wouldn't have gotten married, seen that hot semi-lesbian action in Edinburgh (lol), had an affair or had a close friend tell me she's fallen in love with me. And so I decided that if other people find me pretty then I should start telling myself that I am and hopefully I'll start feeling like it!
The hair job had me feeling pretty good and so to further this cause yesterday I made sure I dressed in affirmative and pretty clothes. I may have been doing nothing other than going furniture shopping with my bestie but that didn't matter in the slightest.

I wore the top I got in Walmart in Canada with pride, which I have always felt self conscious wearing in the past...


And to top it off my favourite black skirt with pretty stockings and my bear shoes.


And you know what? I felt absolutely fucking fantastic the whole day!

On another note, my Dad arrives in a week and a half (YAY!) and so I've been busy getting the house all nice for the visit. This weekend I've really concentrated on the garden and I'm quite happy with the results. I got all my pots out the back tidied and weeded, the paths and driveway sprayed, my front garden beds weeded, manured and mulched and the lawn mowed. With that all done I can spend the next week making sure the inside gets up to scratch :)

I won't bore you with the rest of the details from my weekend since it mainly involed catching up with friends and watching the F1 race (*sob* poor Webber!) but at least I'vr gotten around to posting!

Feeling better

Ok, first of all I'd like to apologise for that last post. Really quite pointless and extremely self absorbed. Can't promise it won't happen again but I can try.
Secondly, a big big thank you to MC and Shawna. Your comments made me feel a lot better and more importantly not so alone. *bighugs*

So I've made the psychologist appointment, it's in a couple of weeks and I've asked Christian to come with me. Hopefully he'll be able to get a few hours off work since I'll feel less anxious if I know he's coming with me. Fingers crossed that the whole process with help me deal with these issues I seem to have.

Something else that seems to have helped me pull myself out of the gutter is the fact that I've worked really hard this week and have lost a kilo. I'm aiming to lose four and a half kilos by my birthday and hopefully I'll stick to such a short term goal. I just want to break through that 80kg mark since it seems to be a wall I'm hitting.

And finally, just to prove that Barb is not the only one in the family with a little bit of talent, here's a photo of the Snoopy cake I've made for Christian for his birthday.

I just finished it about half an hour ago and I am so happy with the way it turned out. I found a picture on the net and using baking paper I traced the outline from the screen and then free hand drew a bigger one to use as a template. I'm really useless at piping too so I was pleasantly surprised to discover that piping with butter cream is much easier than normal icing.
The only down side is that the white plastic spoon I used to mix the black icing with has now been dyed a horrible pink colour. The washing up water turned bright blue when I was cleaning up so in hindsight I'm having second thoughts about eating any of the black icing.
That many garish colours cannot be good for you...

We're having a party for Christian on Saturday and I'll try and get lots of photos and maybe even a video for you.

Till then, take care.
xxx