A plan

A few weeks after my initial psychologist assessment I received a letter in the mail from the doctor letting me know that she had referred me on for therapy sessions and that I would be contacted soon regarding them. A week after that I received an appointment card saying I had an appointment on the 25th with the fertility counsellor.
The timing worked out really well with the appointment being on the 25th as I had been scheduled for Jury Duty this week which also happened to coincide with the weekend we wanted to go away down south to climb Bluff Knoll. I sent in my stat dec declaring I couldn't attend Jury Duty and thankfully an appointment with any kind of psychologist etc seems to be enough for them to run screaming from you. Who really wants a basket case sitting in judgement on others?
This of course means that we can definitely head down south this weekend.

I am so looking forward to it! For those of who not familiar with the area, Bluff Knoll is is in the very south west of the state near Cranbrook. Christian and I will be driving down with our friends Daniel and Helen and staying in some Rammed Earth Cabins about 90kms out of Albany. I'll make sure I get heaps of photos while I'm there, especially the view from the top!

Anyway, back on topic. So, I had my second appointment today. When I arrived I was told that there had been a bit of a mishap and I'd actually been booked in with the wrong lady. The lady I saw today is just a Fertility Counsellor and doesn't deal with general anxiety issues. She was great though and since I had gone all the way to see her she discussed some of the fertility related issues with me. This mainly centred around my weight loss issues since fertility treatment itself holds no problems for me (although I'll re-assess that when we get to the pointy needle part...)

Essentially I'm at a point now where our treatment will not proceed until I lose weight. Until that point I'm thrown in with the druggies and smokers who will flat out not be treated until they have come clean. My doctor lady said that they aren't trying to make all mothers-to-be super models but of course the drugs they give you to help are less effective the bigger you are and larger doses can be dangerous. And so we got down to the nitty gritty of 'If you want a baby so much, why haven't you lost weight?'.

Fair enough question but at the time I couldn't really come up with an answer. In the end we figured out that I'm scared of having a baby because I worry that I won't be a good enough mother and I also tend to lose sight of the end I should have in sight. When you concentrate so hard on what the scales are saying you do sometimes forget that you're doing it for a baby.

We've come up with a few strategies to get me through to my proper therapy session. One of them is to have something visual I can see every day. At the moment I track most of what I eat online but it's easy to forget to log in and record everything or not log in at all. By this stage however I'm pretty good at figuring out what foods I should eat and in what quantities. It's not rocket science after all. But she feels I still need something visual and so I'm going to make a chart up that counts down the kilos and each time I lose one I can cross it off. It's easy enough to say 'My first goal is 75kgs' but it then makes me concentrate on a single figure and that can sometimes be unachievable. This way I can concentrate on the each kilo and not get bogged down trying to attain something that's still out of reach.

We also agreed that my 'danger zone' is the several hours between the time I finish work and the time Christian gets home. I binge more often when I'm alone and so the doctor suggested that I stock up on sugar free gum and chew as much of that as I can. This way I won't want to put anything else in this gob of mine because I'll already be chewing. Over time I'll reduce how much I chew so I don't get hooked on this as well!
The problem with this is that ever since I had braces I just can't physically eat gum. It feels all yucky and squishy and rubbery *shudders*
I am trying however to not think about this (I'm chewing some now) and I'm hoping that this will help me in times when I habitually snack, such as being online or reading.

There's a couple of other things I'm going to try out but I hope that these will help me start to eat more healthy and to fall pregnant. I think the hardest thing is going to be not getting so caught up in the weight-loss part that I lose sight of the fact that I'm doing this so we can start a family. We shall see I guess.

Feeling better

Ok, first of all I'd like to apologise for that last post. Really quite pointless and extremely self absorbed. Can't promise it won't happen again but I can try.
Secondly, a big big thank you to MC and Shawna. Your comments made me feel a lot better and more importantly not so alone. *bighugs*

So I've made the psychologist appointment, it's in a couple of weeks and I've asked Christian to come with me. Hopefully he'll be able to get a few hours off work since I'll feel less anxious if I know he's coming with me. Fingers crossed that the whole process with help me deal with these issues I seem to have.

Something else that seems to have helped me pull myself out of the gutter is the fact that I've worked really hard this week and have lost a kilo. I'm aiming to lose four and a half kilos by my birthday and hopefully I'll stick to such a short term goal. I just want to break through that 80kg mark since it seems to be a wall I'm hitting.

And finally, just to prove that Barb is not the only one in the family with a little bit of talent, here's a photo of the Snoopy cake I've made for Christian for his birthday.

I just finished it about half an hour ago and I am so happy with the way it turned out. I found a picture on the net and using baking paper I traced the outline from the screen and then free hand drew a bigger one to use as a template. I'm really useless at piping too so I was pleasantly surprised to discover that piping with butter cream is much easier than normal icing.
The only down side is that the white plastic spoon I used to mix the black icing with has now been dyed a horrible pink colour. The washing up water turned bright blue when I was cleaning up so in hindsight I'm having second thoughts about eating any of the black icing.
That many garish colours cannot be good for you...

We're having a party for Christian on Saturday and I'll try and get lots of photos and maybe even a video for you.

Till then, take care.
xxx

Back from the dead.

Well, my computer is anyway!
It kind of died a little while back and so Christian had a looksie at it. Even though we keep our anti-virus software pretty much up to date, my poor baby was awash with viruses. For a while there it looked like she wouldn't make it but Doc Christian pulled off a miracle and she lives to tell another tale!

So what's new? Um, let me see. I've started my new hours at work this week, yay! I've dropped down to fifteen hours a week over three days to try and get my stress levels down. I walked into work on Monday after having slept in till half seven, done the dishes, headed to the gym and then gotten across to Medicare to finally cash in my rebates that have been sitting there since Christmas. Considering I only had a measly five hours to work it was no wonder I had a huge grin on my face.
I have already said yes to some extra hours because no matter how much more I relax I can't deny the fact that we won't have nearly as much money coming in now. So I'm doing an extra shift next week and over the school holidays I'll be working everyday. But I can live with that.

I haven't updated my Nettie Challenge blog for a while, I'm so naughty. I'll get an update done on Saturday when I have my weigh in although I'm not expecting any miracles there. The few weeks I didn't have a computer meant no online calorie counter either and I must admit that I was no where near as strict as I should have been. I didn't really put any weight on but I didn't lose any either. I've been very good this past week with lots of exercise and so forth so we'll see how I go.

The only other thing that's really of any interest kind of relates back to the last paragraph anyway. I've been going on some really nice hikes lately and I've found that to be really relaxing as well as strenuous...if that makes any sense! It's hard work and is a great form of exercise but at the same time I really enjoy it and am finding it really relaxing to be in the middle of the bush just enjoying the scenery. There's been two that I'm going to try and do regularly. One of them is an 8km loop trail that goes past the place where we went camping and then comes out above the weir. The last 5kms are very tough, there's a lot of ups and downs but also some great views.
The second hike starts at Rocky Pools at the bottom of 'the hill' (Greenmount) and winds it's way along Jane Brook and you eventually end up at the water fall at John Forrest National Park and then we follow the Heritage Trail back down the hill. It's very bush-walky in that the trail on the way up is almost non existent, very narrow and there's lots of climbing up rock faces and trying not to fall on your arse on the way down but it's cool in the fact that you're climbing up the side of a mountain (albeit not a very big one but they are technically mountain ranges) without really realising it.

Both of these hikes have such gorgeous scenery so I really hope that Boo and Mouse bring their walking shoes with them when they come because I really think that it's a great way to see the natural Aussie bush. In the meantime however I'll try and lug my camera along for the next one and get pics for you all.

My new blog

Following in the foot steps of some of my other friends, I've decided to start a new blog.

Unfortunately it's not about fun stuff like stories or ancient skeletal wrestlers, but about me trying to lose some more weight.
I've kind of come to a stand still in this department and it's time I got back on track. I'm just hoping that you guys might give me the kind of support that Christian just isn't capable of giving (don't get me wrong, he's very supportive but just in a I'm-underweight-don't-really-get-what's-so-hard kind of way).

This is a big step for me. I don't really have what you'd call great self confidence and I'm going the full hog with this, photos and all. It's rather scary putting it out there where any old bastard can make a nasty comment (I remember only too well Joe's blog) but hopefully it'll keep me motivated.

So if anyone wants to drop by and give me an encouraging slap on the shoulder, I'd appreciate it :)

Nettie Challenge

Late nights

*yawn*

I have been so tired lately! I put it down to too many late nights in a row.

Last Saturday I didn't get to bed till the wee hours of the morning (see previous post for details), then on Sunday night we went out for Kat's birthday to a Belgium pub in the city. Originally Kat was supposed to go and see a band play in Freo but she couldn't get tickets so opted for a few quiet drinks instead. It was a good night though but some of the beers looked rather potent. A couple of the guys tried one of them that was 11.5% but I wasn't game (apart from the fact that I don't like beer). I chose not to drink as I thought I'd already had enough that weekend.

On Monday I went out again with Kat, this time for a family birthday dinner at The Cinnamon Club in Leederville, her favourite Indian restaurant. It was a really good night and I had heaps of fun, plus I actually got to give Kat her pressie, an Orchid that was too big to cart along to the pub.

Then last night Mike had organised a paintballing night so I went along to watch.

I don't paintball.

I don't find getting injured fun. Within the first round Christian had split his knuckle open from a hand hit and by the end of the night was bleeding from about four places and had numerous welts, Mel had a shocker of a bruise already forming on her arm and everyone else was showing similar injuries. I welt enough as it is, I don't need to go looking for trouble!

There was an observation deck upstairs so I spent most of the night up there watching and about half way through Kat came to find me as she'd run out of ammo and couldn't be bothered playing anymore. The observation deck (well, really it was a function room with big windows overlooking the game area) was in darkness and there wasn't really any great lighting on the stairs so it was nice to have company up there as it was a bit creepy.

The best part about the whole complex was the big signs on almost every door that read 'No Escape'. Obviously they were complying with fire safety regulations but it was rather funny especially the ones of the door to the loos. Kat and I couldn't resist getting a photo of the one of the gents.



The boys have a bye this week with soccer so tonight I'm planning on having an early night. I went to the gym for a bit longer than I normally do and I've walked the dogs and then I'm not planning on doing much else after I've made dinner. Maybe I'll watch a bit of Eddie Izzard...

Oh, and speaking of the gym and whatnot, I've been going really well with the diet and exercise thing. I've lost almost 10kgs now and I think it's starting to be noticeable. At least I'm not looking at photos and going 'Ewww, they'll never see the light of day!'.
So, I'm very proud of myself!

That's about it for now guys. I'll post again when something vaguely exciting happens!

A little bit of this and a little bit of that

and shake your bum...

First of all, I apologise to super intelligent, hunky sex God brother Mike for not referring to him as Sexy Mike or even just regular Mike. I hope this more than makes up for my little lapse.

Secondly, in the two weeks since I've started my new resolve, I've lost about 4 kg. Yay me! I'm very proud of myself for sticking to it and working my butt off so much.

Thirdly, I much prefer millipedes to ants. Our new house is invested with the little sugar ants and for some reason ant poison isn't working. Perhaps they're a mutant variety, immune to poison and hell bent on the destruction of my kitchen?

Fourthly, I managed to break another watch by smashing the face of it. I don't know how I do it, but I manage to whack my wrist against everything I walk past. I guess it was inevitable.

Lastly, I've been watching Farscape. I never watched it when it was on telly but my supply of quality sci-fi has dwindled so I borrowed the dvds from a work mate. It's not a bad show and if I'd watched it during the 90's when it first aired I'm sure it would have been better (remember people that I watch SeaQuest) but on the whole it's a tad cheesy.

Ok, a lot cheesy.

I just think that Aussie accents on tv sound so corny and hollow. Especially in sci-fi. I mean, why on Earth would aliens have Australian accents? Fair enough, they really shouldn't have Merkin or British accents either, but out of all the accents in the world, they wouldn't have Australian ones. Ok, that sentence didn't make a lot of sense (why on Earth??? I'm talking about Aliens who aren't from Earth.) I'm sure you get my drift anyway.
Ultimately I get to watch Ben Browder run around making calf eyes at Claudia Black. It can't be that bad, right?

The battle begins

I apologise in advance for the self pitying post.

I jumped on the scales the other day and to my dismay, found I was the heaviest I've ever been. Not exactly the most promising start to any day.
I thought about it and realised that even though I've been pretty good with the exercise bit of it (I do try and get to the gym three or four times a week and try to walk the dogs just as often) I think I fall down when it comes to what I eat.
And it's probably not really what I eat but how much I eat.
The old portion size war.

On the same day a friend of the family pointedly told me that people who are as overweight as I rarely conceive and that it shouldn't come as any surprise to me that I hadn't fallen pregnant as yet.

I got very low after that. Low enough to start falling back into my old habits and I didn't eat anything for a day and a half.
I managed to pull myself back together again as anorexia made me skinny for a couple of years and I've pretty much been this size since a year after I started eating again. I know it's not a healthy attitude to have, and I forgive myself the little lapse as this woman was quite nasty about it, but I knew it was time to make a battle plan.

I've been involved with a few strategists in the past - fad dieting, weight watchers, and I knew it was time to try something different. My sister put me onto an Australian site called Calorie King which is like an online diary that first works out your BMI (Oh God, not pretty!!!) and then tells you how many calories to consume in a day and how much exercise to do and then you can keep track of it.
It's only early days yet but hopefully it'll go as planned.

The hardest bit is finding the support I need. My sisters yo-yo back and forth when they're dieting and I often find it's when I'm with them that I afll flat on my face and give in to those Tim Tams.
My Mum is like the Will Power Queen and although she tries, she sometimes makes it sound like she's criticising.
Then there's Christian.
6"2 and about 15 kgs underweight, Christian has never had to lose weight in his life and really has no idea how hard it can be. I mean he does try and be supportive (he stopped me from making a screen saver out of an unflattering photo of myself and the caption Time to lose some weight lardass or you'll never have kids) but I sometimes find him to be a little derogatory. Not that he means to be obviously, but if we go for a walk he complains because he prefers to run, I crave a coke zero (the bastards have made it addictive) and he says he can't see why I could drink that crap, I'll measure out my food religiously and he piles his plate as high as he can and says he doesn't see how eating two cups of salad instead of one would matter (well it does if your counting calories!).

*sigh*

Anyway, we'll see how it goes. Hopefully I'll actually stick to it this time instead of going AWOL like I usually do.