To be open or closed...

...that is indeed the question.

And unfortunately I don't have an old skull handy to chat to so I'll just natter on to you lot.

As most of you are aware by now, I'm pretty open about the things that go on in my life. I've been told by some people (ok, quite a few) that I share too much. This is something I do ponder from time to time and I'm sure that these people (ok, mob) have a point.

I guess I just feel that if I'm having a conversation and something comes up that I've had an experience with or has happened to me, I almost feel compelled to share. Otherwise it's like lying. Because anything I say from that point onwards won't be the truth. If someone says 'I've always wanted to catch a squirrel and dress it in Barbie clothes cos I think it would be fun' and then I say 'Yeah, I wonder what that would be like...' when I know damned well how much fun it is...well to me it feels like I'm not being honest about my opinion because I'm withholding certain information.

Christian on the other hand is very...selective about what he tells people. Not because he's secretive or ashamed or anything, but he's just always been a man of few words.

What got me to pondering tonight is that we were out at a movie with our friend Steven. We were chatting afterwards while standing outside the bank where I used to work and I said I hated being there. Steven said 'Oh yeah, you used to work there. I know you left but I don't know why.' To which of course, being me, I told the truth and said 'I slept with one of the ladies husbands.'

Slight pause, then a bit of a stutter.

'Riiiiiiight. Well, we knew something was up but I always assumed you had cancer or something. All we knew something was upsetting Christian and he didn't want to talk about it. I've always thought you must have had cancer!'

And that's the difference between Christian and I. My friends all know I'm a marriage wrecking slut who turned suicidal from her guilt because I told them about it. Christian's friends think I'm dying of cancer because he said nothing and they only had observations to go on.

I wouldn't say I'm closer to my friends than Christian is to his. And it's not that Christian won't talk about the whole thing. He's always been very supportive and open in discussions that we've had as a couple with other people. If it wasn't for the fact that he doesn't really talk much about anything I might have thought he was trying to protect my honour (or what little I have left of it). The only explanation I have left is that it's a personality thing and I just happen to more open than he is.

It's not just the affair that I'm open about either. I've always be open with people about my abuse, my mental illness, being bi, my lack of religious belief, my favourite colour, the fact that I went to a Take That concert, my inability to conceive children, my dislike of Tom Hanks, my cutting...if it comes up in conversation, I'll discuss it. It's not like I go up to random strangers and say 'I hate Tom Hanks' and run away; the subject has to be broached first.

But how open is too open? My mother hates the fact that I admit to things that are considered shameful. She does not like me talking about my affair, she hates it when I wear shirts that show my scars, she freaked out completely when she saw me kiss Flora on the lips, she tells me I need to get over my abuse and stop dwelling on it. My mother is nice I swear, I really do, but she just has certain issues about some things. I do have to wonder though if the problem lies with me? The things I do obviously make her uncomfortable and so if I become more closed about my life, it would obviously put her at ease. If I was less open, I would most likely make a lot of people more comfortable. Therefore is it logical to assume that the onus rests with me and I should be more tactful; less open; restrained; decorous; less me?

I hate the fact that I make people feel uncomfortable.

To complain or not to complain...

Or to return a product or not. To make a fuss or not?

I am one of these people who just cannot stand being rude, confrontational or the teeniest bit assertive. I am logical enough to see that being assertive doesn't necessarily mean being rude but to some extent it's always confrontational. It might not be violent or angry but if you pull someone up on a small mistake (however nicely you do it), there's always going to be an undercurrent of confrontation.

I however take things to extreme. My brain just doesn't work like most people's do. Returning something to the store because it's faulty makes me so uncomfortable because I fear I will be perceived as rude/annoying/arrogant/confronting.
I've been on the other end of the returns counter and in most cases I've never felt that way about the customer who is returning the item (unless they're being an asshat about the whole thing). If anything, I'm extremely apologetic and feel awful that they've been so inconvenienced. But once I'm the one returning the product I just can't do it.

It's so bad that it's a running joke in my family now.

Here are some examples of when I should have returned something or complained or spoken up and I have not. These have all occurred in the past couple of weeks.

* I bought some pre-grated cheese and it was mouldy. I threw it out and went and bought some more.

* I bought a 2L bottle of diet coke. When I opened it, I discovered the seal had been broken and the coke was flat. I poured it down the sink.

* The other night my mum took us all out for dinner and my meal didn't arrive. Everyone else was already almost finished but I didn't say a word. My mother noticed and called over the waiter to ask what had happened to my meal. He apologised, explained it had accidentally been forgotten about and he would be right back with it. I was silent the entire time, beet red and squirming from embarrassment in my chair.

* I went to Ikea the other day and wanted to try one of their Daim cakes. I left their 'market' store only to discover I had bought the wrong kind of cake. The friend I was with told me to go back and just swap it over but I wouldn't, I just said 'No, you can have it'. In the end he went in and bought me the right kind.

*I bought a different brand of cereal the other day, thinking I'd try the home brand since from the packet it looked exactly the same as the branded kind. It was the most disgusting thing I've ever had, it tasted like it had been burnt. Christian had it too and was so annoyed that he actually rang the company to complain. I would have just thrown it out and never bought it again...

And now I have the conundrum that our new toilet seat we got the other day is broken. The thread for the screw is buggered so we can't attach it to our toilet. I've asked Christian to take it back so he can explain why we need a new one but he just gave me a look and told me that I wanted the damn seat so I can take it back and get a new one.
I know that I just won't be able to do it, I'll end up having a panic attack and then leaving it until it's way too late to return in and we'll end up wasting the money we spent on it.
I know it's illogical but unfortunately I did not inherit my father's Vulcan personality so logic be damned!

I may need to use my cunning womanly wiles to convince my dear husband to do this for me. More likely I need to bloody well grow a damn pair and man up.

I'm putting my money on option A...

A dilemma

Quite a little pickle I've got to share with you today.
(You know who I like? That pickle stork. You know...the one with the pickles...no? *cough* sorry, I thought a little Frisky Dingo early on may lighten this post a little...)

Anyhoo...so, the dilemma...first, some things you should know (if you don't already).
- I was sexually abused as a child.
- My mother was sexually abused as a child.
-My uncle has just been released from prison for sexually abusing a child.

Heavy issues...

Ok, so basically several years ago my uncle was caught molesting a child he was babysitting.
My mother was extremely upset, as you can imagine and basically disowned him. Having being abused as a girl, she was horrified he could do anything like that, especially when he'd seen first hand the lifelong damage it causes.
However, it was left up to my mother to become the executor of his estate so she could ensure that his daughters (late teens) would be cared for. During the course of this time my mother spoke to my uncle regularly and came to understand his remorse for his actions. He had refused bail so he would be removed from temptation and he eagerly attended courses and counselling whilst in prison to learn to cope with the compulsion he felt (one of which actually meant an extension of his sentence so he could attend as it was only held at a regional prison).

When he was released, my mother was there for him and helped him get on his feet again. Both of my sisters have refused to have anything to do with him but apart from a quick glance at the shops, I had yet to have any contact with him that forced that decision upon me.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I received a request via Facebook that was from someone I didn't know with a message attached. It was actually from my uncle, explaining that he was using a different name and just to see how I was.

I was torn. Having been abused, I felt a lot of anger towards him, and I didn't think it was my place to offer forgiveness - it wasn't me he had wronged so I can't grant that.
On the other hand, it must be hard, trying to rehabilitate into society when society isn't allowing you the chance to prove you've reformed.

And so I debated about it for a while and finally decided to accept him on FB.

Of course, I'm not a complete dimwit. I did go and edit all my security settings so he has no access to any of my photos, only very very basic information. At the end of the day I may be trying to help him reform but the well being of my nieces and nephews comes first.

I told my sisters what had happened and what precautions I had taken and they reacted in rather the manner I was expecting. Basically they flipped out. They feel a lot of hate towards him and don't want me to have anything to do with him. I had to assure them of the precautions I had taken to prevent them from de-friending me.
But the way I see it...both my sisters have a lot of friends on Facebook (until a week ago when some glitch went and deleted a heap of Barb's friends, she had over 350! ). Just how well can you know 350 people??? At least with my uncle, we're aware of his past and can take the measures to ensure the safety of not just the kids in my family, but also that of children of our friends (and by this I obviously don't mean physical safety, but the safe use of any photos on FB). But any one of those 350 people could be dodgy, you just never know and they have complete access to Barb's profile and photos. So in this case I really feel it's better the devil you know...

And ultimately I really, honestly hope that the man who abused me has been given this chance by someone out there who has faith in him. Because if he hasn't, that means he's still out there, still a potential threat and for all I know, subjecting other little girls to the same fate as me.

So, what do you think? Have I done the right thing? Or do you agree with my sisters and think I should delete him and have nothing to do with him?